hello friends,
another new song today! so, almost 2 years ago i quit my PhD in Entomology and Neuroscience. i had studied to become an academic for years and when i got the position, i was beyond stoked to finally do research in a field i thought i was passionate about. i mean, i still love science, but what i found out while doing my PhD: i do NOT like being a scientist. near the end of my 2nd year, i felt like i was going crazy.
a couple of times a week, after work or while i was hanging with friends or whatever, i would get these crazy panic attacks. i’d had panic attacks before, but these ones were different. they were like these epic, but super confusing visions where it would feel like i was about to remember a dream i had dreamt every single day of my life. it would feel like i was on the verge of some kind of mind-blowing breakthrough. but, as i felt i got closer to “understanding” this breakthrough, it would all disintegrate and turn into terrifying, but abstract thoughts. my body: pins and needles all over. my heart: racing. the world: felt fake. like some kind of play, but i was the dumb protagonist. the really stupid one. i quit my PhD after 2 years and they stopped. then, i wrote a song about it! i think it is one of my favorites off the record.
enjoy,
stefan (from bony macaroni)